Profilectlx.Carlene Tan Li Xuan 11th July 1988. Currently 23+. Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School, SRJC (first 3 months), TPJC, NUS FASS (econs). loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.
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Monday, October 31, 2011All along, I thought I was considered more of an optimistic person whose always looking on the bright side of life until... one day, my brother just shot me with a statement that burst that happy little bubble of mine. He said "why are you always so negative?". That statement struck me so hard it sent my head spinning for a few seconds. I was really shocked. I couldn't really understand neither did I want to believe it. I strongly believe I used to be a really happy-go-lucky person but what happened??? Was it my surroundings that made me change? My life experiences in the past few years? The stress that I've got from home and hall? What exactly happened??? So since then, which was about 2 weeks ago, I've been thinking, and pondering, and wondering but I could come to no answer. All the possible explanations I could come up with just seemed like I was pushing the blame to everyone else. I thought, perhaps it could be the hall environment and the positions that I've taken up that has turned me into this vicious, unkind creature. And probably all the drastic events that happened at home recently made it all worse. But then, I realise that, at the end of the day, it is ultimately ME that have changed and succumbed to these changes which has led me to become what I am today. Guess I'm just angry when I get scolding from my parents for things my brother failed to do, or procrastinated doing and when I argue with them, all they say is that "can't you just do it for him?", "he's schooling what" etc etc but in actual fact, he has time to go out and play basketball, time to watch soccer and play his computer games. When I leave my baking equipment outside for a day longer, I get scolding and my sis who unfortunately happened to be at home has to suffer her scolding too. When my mum was hospitalized and could not and will not be doing housework for some time, we had agreed that we would split the chores but yet, he failed to was his own sweaty clothes and my dad had to do it. And it just wasn't fair because he wasn't busy studying for his A level chinese (which is today), nor was he busy studying for his promos but he was doing all other stuff like badminton training and watching CSI! So when my sis and I decide we should just leave the clothes there until he decides to fulfill his duty, we will not bother about it. And guess what, we had a huge argument with our mother and she went on telling the whole world what terrible sisters we are and that we couldn't even help out with the housework. She even went on to say how lousy we were even after all that I've done for her. Really made me super upset and pissed hearing her say all that. I mean, I wouldn't have been so pissed had he been busy studying you know? But he wasn't. And we had to have such a big scolding just cause of his irresponsible attitude. And my sis who ALWAYS thinks that she's right. She and her curt and selfish thinking just doesn't give a damn how the other party feels when she says unkind things. This is only applicable towards her family members. She does NOT do this to her bf nor her friends. How ironic right. Haha.. Nonetheless, she always believes in "an eye for an eye" only towards her family. So it's been really hard having to take in all her mean words. Bleah. What's more, think its also been all the stress that I've gotten since my mum first discovered her condition which led to me having to shoulder a lot of responsibilities which made me really naggy and short tempered. However, actually typing this down makes me realise how much more my dad had and has to go through which makes me feel really embarrassed now. Think I'm in no position to complain at all. I'm sorry this post isn't a happy post. It's just that I really needed some outlet to pour out my woes about what a terrible person I've become and it seems so hard to change! So very hard... Feel so unfair that I'm so unappreciated in the family and everyone just seems to think so badly of me when in actual fact, it's probably half true. I have to admit when my mum scolds me cause of my siblings, I'll have the tendancy to want to scold them and blame them cause I think its just unfair I've to take their rap when its got nothing to do with me! Worse still, it isn't like I haven't been nagging at them to do their duty and when I nag, I get told off for being so naggy. Its like, nothing I do will ever be good enough for everyone and I can't just not care cause I'm the eldest, the family needs to be kept in a proper living condition, and I have to help my dad out. I don't expect anyone to really understand what I'm talking about cause I now I'm ranting away profusely and perhaps not making sense but its just frustrating. HAI. =( Okay. Done whining. My next step in life is aiming to self improve so that even when I get upset, I can swallow everything and not let it spillover to others. Cause only by learning how to swallow it seems, that I'll learn to regain that patience that I once had. Yups yups. On a lighter note, I am seriously thinking of selling my home-baked stuff as a side biz. Tried another cookie recipe recently. Thought it turned out quite well (except I had cut down a little too much sugar) Hahaha. Planning to bake tons of it and give as party take home packs for my sis's birthday party come 11th Nov. Hopefully that''ll be a starting point! =D Starting to think of a logo and "shop name" already. Haha... Sadly, I think I need some reality check though. If anyone is reading this, could you please tell me if you think practically whether or not my stuff is good enough to be sold? Hahaha.. Thanks! =D |